Intuitive Knowing...

Another benefit to modern technological life is that things seem to really be speeding up and there is so much information coming at everyone from all sorts of directions.  After the first couple of days of attention, I was off everyone's radar and was able to have that breathing room I coveted.  I knew intuitively that ending this relationship was going to be painful and was why I had delayed doing it for so long.  We all want to avoid pain...

We had originally met online and realized quickly we had a lot in common environmentally and politically.  We began dating and soon we were quickly entwined on a professional level too. He had stepped in as legal counsel for a sustainability organization that I was on the board of that was in need of legal direction in organizing.  A creative idea for a revolutionary project came to me soon after and he helped to conceptualize it further and became a co-founder.  The same organization we both devoted time to loved the idea and offered to incubate the project and help with its development and introduction into the community.

It all happened so fast.  And as with any new relationship we were intoxicated by the feelings of "being in love".  High on the hope that we had finally found that one person to fill up the emptiness and hole we all feel deep inside of us.  My intuition had been telling me almost from the beginning, in spite of having genuine feelings of love and attraction for him that this was not the right relationship for me.  There were flashes of knowing, times when he lied or his actions didn't match his words. There was a nagging sense of distrust for him even with his professions of love and devotion.  Without getting into details, for the sake of his privacy, I will just say... our intuition is always correct.

And this week I saw this, I had KNOWN it but, but, but....

"No matter how seductive a person, place or opportunity seems - do not move forward unless your intuition says "yes". We wonder sometimes why things don't work out, yet if we look back on situations that ended badly we see that we knew better from the first moment we started down ...this path. No matter how beautiful a person is. No matter how much money may be offered to you. No matter what, if you do not listen to you intuition and choose to follow a path of external power your life will not manifest to it's highest potential. Before you make a decision about dating someone, moving forward with a business deal or making any changes in your life get still and ask your intuition if it feels right. If the answer is yes your whole body will light up and you will feel the "yes" inside you. If the answer is "no" you will feel disempowered with the thought of making the decision. Get quiet and listen and life will eventually begin to flow." ~Mastin Kipp, Founder of Daily Love

I guess I didn't want to believe it.  I had fallen in love...but that is not saying a lot, I can and DO find a way to love everybody I meet.  Loving isn't the hard part, letting go is. To top it all off, our whole organization was benefiting from our relationship, what would happen to this project that was potentially going to be a model for community based cap and trade system in California and the rest of the country, if I couldn't put my big girl pants on and make the relationship work??

So for seventeen months I endured inner conflict, laughter, struggle, wonderful lovemaking, endless compromising, stuffing feelings, addictive longings and yet deep profound inner suffering. And on the night before we were to sign a lease on a house together... I found I just could not go through with it.  

I could not take one more step down this path.  The inner pain had become more unbearable than the grief I knew I would have to go through in ending it all and dealing with the consequences.